I wanted to cry. Physiologically, my body needed to cry, but I couldn’t. Not out of some Macho decision to ”man up”; I tried to force it. I tried to just make the sounds and mime motions. I tried to fake it until I make it, but I was too stone inside. The lubricant had dried up from this machine and I was only capable of the most rudimentary broad movements. The intricacy of weeping was too dynamic and concerted an exercise. All I could do is sit and stare, in great pain and wish I could feel sad enough to be properly depressed.
I don’t think I ever enjoyed crying, but I do remember often feeling lighter and a bit relieved after. How could that be? What is the connection between salty tears and whichever hormones must be released during a good cry? And more importantly, if I know that those hormones are what I need, why can’t I just do it? Just make some more. I know the medical reasons, but you feel this badly and can’t even muster a Good cry to go with it, its hard not to wonder anyway.