I want to die

I want to die. Actually, dying seems like an extremely painful thing to do, so I guess what I want, is to not be alive. Not to alarm anyone–though I have had some uninspiring “suicide-ideation”, I am not suicidal. Just really fucking depressed. And I’m not writing this to be dramatic, or fish for all of y’all’s “Thoughts and Prayers”, But it’s just what I’m feeling and thinking and have to process somehow. I don’t know why simply existing is painful for me? I don’t know why just putting one foot in front of the other to get to the shower three feet from my bed, puts the same overwhelming stress on me as my most important final in college. Much less read all the proof that climate change is about to create Water-World-War I, much much less the fact that millions of people are legitimately voting Trump for president. I don’t know why meditation and trying to sleep are so terrifying to me, to be alone with my thoughts, so scary that I rarely do either. I don’t know why? I am so lucky, for so many reasons. It just makes me feel even more guilty and shitty that I’m so depressed, when so many people have it so much worse off than, but find reason to go on. But so many people had it so much better than me too: Robin Williams, Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger Whitney Houston, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Prince, and the line goes on for more pages than my macbook can store. (though aren’t all necessarily declared “suicides”, living in such a way that they killed their hearts before they killed their brains is just semantics) They didn’t just have unlimited supplies of money and the various resources and experiences that brings. No, The also had tremendous talent that aloud them to fulfill their dreams to nth degree and give their life purpose. Even with their armies of doctors, medicines, awards,…. 

I wonder if the Neanderthals went extinct, not because they could not survive, but they were just solitary creatures instead of social animals like humans. And when they learned, like humans, that life is hard as shit, then you die, (also as humans have discovered) but being solitary creatures with no one to miss them, no one depending on them, stopped trying so desperately to fight another day. Probably not; it’s just a thought that came to mind. 

And here’s another one: Alcoholism is one the oldest diseases known to humankind. In fact, we knew bout alcoholism before we even knew what diseases were, yet it’s one that we have not even a start to a cure for. As far as I know, there aren’t even studies being done for the cure. Not to diminish the importance and power of AA, therapy and other groups, But it is a Physical disease with genetic, and biological causes. Support groups for newly diagnosed cancer patients are also important and powerful, but the doctor’s don’t ignore the surgeries, chemo, and radiation. 

This doesn’t really have a point and doesn’t make much sense. I just have to rant about how impossible it seems to find that sweet spot where life hurts just a bit less and makes a bit more sense. Anhedonia’s a bitch.

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